i'm 2 for 2 at misjudging my roommates. can't wait until i'm the fuck out of this place.

i told rona today that i'm moving out. she took it just like i expected. i hope eventually she realizes it's for the best, but for now, it's gonna be an uneasy 2 weeks. whatever, i paid for that to be my home until the 30th and i will treat it as such.

apparently, this is me "airing my dirty laundry."

the train is careening through the tunnel, which means we're gonna be at penn station in 0.5 minutes. brandi's here from tx, yaaaay! this is my favorite part of the trip.

life is beautiful.

"windy has wings to fly above the clouds..."

...i wish you knew YOU did, too. i wish you still existed the way i loved you. those fucking piccolos will always make me remember.

i need photoshop, but my computer doesn't have enough memory, i have no money, and i don't know where to get it illegally.

i think i want to move to the south. like texas or florida or tulsa, oklahoma or something. everyone seems happier there.

i'd be really angry too if my "perfect life" consisted of taking advantage of anyone who's ever loved me. how does that other guy's dick taste?

i want to be able to afford all of the things i want.

i am sick of moving into apartments with people who call me their friends but are, in reality, selfish cunt-faces and have nobody's interest but their own at heart.

i want more time to do things like organize my life. i can't even find an hour to keep my room clean, and i'm supposed to organize a budget?!

these restaurants are not where i want to be, but all i can hope is that they're providing me experience for the future. i want to open a live music venue on long island, probably on the water, that will host after-parties that the artists and fans can all attend after every show. think like the rock boat but year-round. no, i don't think that's too ambitious a dream.

i am thankful to have had someone in my life once who introduced me to the world of graphic and interior design. i'm also thankful that when i didn't have enough sense to dispose of her myself, the universe did it for me.

it sounds to me like i'm not currently a very happy girl. this is a surprise to me because i thought i was. i don't know what will fix me. more money, maybe. and time. and better friends. ones who don't blindside me with their short tempers, psychosis, and distorted world views. where are all the people who are like me?

i have never met anyone like this boy before. he is a scientist and his parents own a bakery. he is always laughing, always making me laugh, always welcoming, always a friend, always blowing my mind with new places to go or music or tv shows or strain of marijuana, and he's always coming up with original ways to spend his time. he offered to help with my rent for september and october immediately after i got fired from p.f. chang's.

(oh, by the way, i got fired from p.f. chang's.)

he never makes me feel like i have to be different. in fact, he does all of the things - like piling in a car and driving for retarded amounts of hours to see something you can never see again - that people call me crazy for doing. he is passionate about just living, always gives people the benefit of doubt, and he's the most relaxed person i've ever known. he always seems confident and sure - of himself, of everything - and that's a quality i don't know how to have. he intimidates me and excites me and comforts me and confuses me at the same time. he is patient and kind, and for all of these reasons - and then some more - i admire him as a friend and as a person in a way that i've never looked at anyone else. he has so many implausibly good qualities, and so i don't know what to do with myself except suppress any and all things that might want to come out of my ( stupid mouth. ) maybe i should just tell him, but i don't know how. i want to know how. i want to stop protecting myself and step outside the box. i need some answers. it would all make me so happy.

oh. i'm doing albany.

11 years ago today, i saw hanson for the first time in 4th row at jones beach theater.

i think the reason we take our hanson fandom so seriously (and probably also the reason they're out favorite band) is because THEY take their music so seriously. we appreciate the thought and planning that goes into everything they do, and if we get impatient with the time delays sometimes it's only because we love them so much. in a world where all anyone remembers is mmmbop, the best way for us to show our appreciation is to make them feel like their efforts were not for nothing. we are a rare breed. we love to have fun, we love to dance, and we appreciate the passion and commitment the artists we love give to their end creation. we choose to be as committed as they are because it's the only way we can say "do you even know how much i love you and the choices you've made throughout your career?!" without actually having to say the words. we are crazy and that is fact, but we are grateful and we are proud.

so the REAL reason i came to LJ tonight is to FLIP OUT over the FREE FRONT ROW JONAS BROTHERS TICKETS my table gave me tonight! these guys came in wearing all access passes and meet and greet bracelets and whatnot (the coliseum is like .04 minutes from chang's), so obviously i commented on it. they laughed it off because i guess they thought i was kidding but when i showed them that i decked out my notepad with all things jonas they threw me tickets!!!!!!! they were like, "get us out of here FAST so you can catch the show, and if your bosses won't let you go send them over to us and we'll take care of it." by 9:45 i was at the coliseum and sitting FUCKING MERE FEET AWAY FROM JOE JONAS AND HIS LESS HOT BUT EQUALLY IMPORTANT BROTHERS. i got in during year 3000 so i'm not sure how much i missed but it was FANTASTIC. the rain or whatever during lovebug was ridiculous. fucking HEARTS and the JB logo...made out of water?#!@ like HOW DO YOU EVEN DO THAT. anyway, i'm so fucking grateful to that table and to my bosses for getting me out early and just OMG EVERYONE. what a great night, even if thirteen year olds were staring at me the whole time. UGH i am so so so so so so so so SO HAPPY for so many reasons. I WANT ALL MY JB TICKETS TO BE FRONT ROW AND FREE FROM NOW ON!

so i stumbled on this website and as i'm reading, what's really grinding me is that there's not somewhere for fucking anti-choicers (that bitch, who does she think she is?) like me to say "HEY, i truly feel in my heart of hearts that abortion is wrong but DOUCHEBAGS, WE'RE NOT ALL SCREAMING IN YOUR FACE IN FRONT OF PLANNED PARENTHOOD, SO WHY DON'T YOU LET ME LIVE MY ANTI-CHOICE LIFE WHILE I LET YOU LIVE YOUR ANTI-LIFE LIFE?" ::eyeroll:: stop perpetuating the hostility, lady, really.

oh, also? brenda and richard brochon are my real parents. amy shannon gave birth to me. as far as she was concerned, brenda and richard brochon were my real parents, but that never stopped her from wanting to know me (or me from wanting to know her). so fuck you, lady, there's something to be said when all logic is removed from a situation and all you're moving forward with is mutual respect and love for all parties involved. (that's called FEELING. you know, HAVING EMOTION. do it. make decisions based only upon it sometimes. it's nice.) and our stupid, meaningless, oprah-like tear-filled joyous reunion changed my fucking life. my sister is my sister, my brothers are my brothers and my extended family is my extended family. and whatever, i'm going to say it - the kind of love that i feel for everyone and the kind of love they feel back for me, the kind nobody can describe but one that we've never felt before or since, that awesome feeling wouldn't exist if amy shannon had prevented me from living.

for me, choosing life was never political or religious. it was and always will be one hundred percent emotional, and no amount of not-sorry women are going to make me believe that aborting a fetus is an okay thing to do - which is also something i've said to the many women in my life who have terminated their pregnancies. i (and many like me) do not judge but do not like the idea that abortions are legally performed, so leave me with my opinion and have some respect for it. otherwise i will shit on yours like you shit on mine.

dumb, judgemental, intolerant fuckers. EVERYONE JUST COEXIST.

i'm seeing gavin degraw tomorrow night for the first time in four years. tinted windows is playing ten minutes away, and everyone's going to that instead, and i don't even care.

I'M SEEING GAVIN DEGRAW TOMORROW NIGHT FOR THE FIRST TIME IN FOUR YEARS.

i hate tinted windows and everything about them and i'm not sure how to interpret that.

i just discovered - by accident - how to embed media from other websites to livejournal. it serves me no purpose right now since i have nothing entertaining to share, but i just figured it out nonetheless. :)

MY FRIEND CALLED ME OUT ON MY WORKCRUSH YESTERDAY. he had actually said something the other day when we were working together - we were fucking around somehow and beefstick goes "yo, why you always pickin' on mah man?" obviously i tried to defend myself but when that failed i just walked away. apparently, that's when beefstick brought my suspected (apparently obvious :X) crush to light. i confirmed to beefstick last night that i did, in fact, have a massive boner for workcrush...and he proceeded to tell me like everything about him (well, the stuff that matters). he is currently WITHOUT A GIRLFRIEND, and the girlfriend was a hostess over the summer...which means that she was young. WHICH IS A GOOD THING. anyway, i'm kind of bummed that his response to beefstick's comment was "no way, she doesn't like me, she's just affectionate" BUT I GUESS ALL THAT MEANS IS I'LL HAVE TO TRY HARDER.

ps i'm kind of bummed about all this bullshit.

another double at chang's today; what a joyus occasion. work!crush will be there this morning though (which may or may not be the reason i picked up the morning shift)...the other day our juvenile flirting (which consists of, like, exiting the other person out of the computer mid-order and other such things that make each other's life miserable) progressed to include actually touching each other, which i guess is a step in the right direction!! i'm so enjoying being giggly and over-the-moon about some guy. i feel like a teenager.

i slept for SO MANY HOURS yesterday. my roomie got some awesome weed which made me high for literally the whole day and i was passed the fuck out at like 7:30. she went to bed around 9 and i think i ended up in bed around midnight when i woke up. i woke up at 9 this morning. this flu needs to gtfo of my system because dammit i wanna have FUUUUUN.

wish me luck with the boy today! ugh i need to try to take a picture of him and post it here, he's so attractive it's retarded.

i haven't been this high in a really, really long time and it feels awesome.

rona brought a new laptop home from her job!!!!! yaaaayy, goodbye ibm thinkpad from like 1997!!! (this is my new baby. innit pretty?!)

i am crushing SO FUCKING HARD GUYS it's not even funny. we worked an 8 hour shift together yesterday and fadskl;gjqerj i can't stop giggling over him. i feel like i'm in grade school.

the past few days have gone really well at work and i'm seeing more and more money everyday. everyone's just really fucking awesome and i'd have been so grateful for even a SHITTY job in this economy. loving this place (despite some bullshit of course, but it's all insignificant anyway) is such a bonus. if you're ever in westbury ny, come eat at p.f. chang's and leave me a fat tip.

it's taken me like a half hour to write this, that's how blazed i am. daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamn.


have a beautiful day, y'all.

i was creepy tonight and found out all the things i didn't know about work!crush via google. that was a first for me - i facebook because google is too complicated. like, there are pieces of puzzles to put together and trails of forum posts...thankfully his name is like the most complicated ever (well that's not true, but it's unique) and there weren't many people to search through.

blind item: have fun going back to the place where you didn't even know you were (and still are) nothing but a huge, pathetic fucking joke. you're so self-absorbed and dramatic, though, that you probably won't even realize it THIS time either.

i think i'm getting sick. :( NYQUIL FTW.

and i can't believe michael sarver stayed and ALEXIS WENT HOME. i mean REALLY. i'm neither of their biggest fans but REALLY, ALEXIS OVER MICHAEL? i know he's going home next week but UGH this means that when we go to the tour i have to suffer through the slaughtering of some of my favorite songs of all time. because that man doesn't just suck, he MUTILATES large iconic portions of american music culture for every minute he's on stage. and REALLY, alison was in the BOTTOM THREE? REALLY???? okay, america. way to HAVE EARS.

oh i love matt giraud. and i also fail to see the danny gokey hooplah. he is just so quintessentially ~*idol*~ to me (whatever that means?) and i really can't get on board. i don't dislike him, but why is he such a big deal? alison, megan and blindey (scott macintyre? is it bad that i really don't know his name?) are all up there for me too but i can't rank them yet. because i knew you wanted to know.

OH & LOL, today my boss saw that my checkbook (not like the one i use for the bank, the one i use at work to write orders in) had jb all over it and proceeded to ask me fourteen times if i was serious. then he asked me if i'd seen the south park, and when i laughed in his face for asking such a stupid question he wanted to know how accurate it was...and of course i started gushing over how perfect EVERY DETAIL was, from the kicks to the hairstyles TO THE FUCKING JOE/KEVIN BACK!SEX. he goes, "oh my god, you've been to their concert?" to which i replied "silly marc, i've been to FOUR of them. and i've met them." to which he replied, "oh, you had a meet and greet thing? did you win it?" AND THEN I SHAMELESSLY TOLD MY BOSS ABOUT HOW MANY HOURS OF MY LIFE HAVE BEEN SPENT WAITING FOR JB AT TRUMP TOWERS. his face was pretty awesome. i wish i took a picture. the only thing he could think to say after this huge fact about my life was revealed was "how old are you?" haha. i told him i was sixteen. he believed me for a minute.

steph & mikey time tomorrow night after work (in which i have to see the man i've spent the last hour and a half googling AND TRY NOT TO BE EMBARRASSED ABOUT THE FACT THAT I WAS SEARCHING THE INTERNET FOR HIS NAME UNTIL TWO THIRTY IN THE MORNING), which is exciting. i can't wait to see either of them. :) goodnight, hoes.

last night one of my good friends from high school came over. i hadn't seen her in five years and neither of us realized it until we saw each other. we had pizza at 7, came back here at 8, and two bottles of wine later (at 2:15) we called it a night. it was great - it felt like we hadn't skipped a minute. and what's funny is i kind of overlooked her as a friend in high school. like we hung out all the time, but my best friends were nikki and liana and really who likes change? i'm really glad she came over, really glad we got to talk about our high school lives and what both of us went through, together and seperately. it's been years since i've been able to do that. five years, actually. and her & mikey are coming back thursday night. the three of us in particular always kind of had something special together, but again it kind of got forgotten when we were hanging out since we were always with our larger group of friends. it's gonna be an awesome time.

i weighed myself last night. 185.5 down from 187 on thursday morning. that made me pretty happy. :)

i cashed in the change from my car today thinking there was maybe five bucks, but i came out with $11.80! today must be my lucky day because lean cuisines were on sale for $2 each, so i got 3 paninis. WHATEVER I'M GRATEFUL FOR THE LITTLE THINGS, OK?

i was airing out the apartment today because there was the fucking NICEST ocean breeze (for christ's sake i live on the ocean, like how the hell am i NOT supposed to love it here, and there are always cruise ships in the distance at night. fkjdsajkd) and dj escaped onto the balcony without my knowledge, that bastard. he was three balconies over when i got him with a mcdonald's sausage. that little piece of shit. i love him though. he's on my lap right now and he says HI DANGER, if you're reading this!

can you tell from these mundane updates on every detail of my life that i'm going nuts without my phone? grrr. whatever, i'm content with my life on the d-list marathon for the rest of my day off. i'm doing a double tomorrow and i'm PUMPED about it, i just re-read the training manual from front to back so they HAVE to beef up my section tomorrow. i need to make a lot of money tomorrow. desperately. :|

cc came to visit at the beginning of the month and it made a lot of things really clear, which is awesome. clearly, he is content to settle in chicago trapped in a relationship that i don't even think HE understands, and, while of course that fact hurt me at first, i decided my standards are WAY higher than that. i do love him and i did really think it was going to work, but i'm okay without him. i always think about his happiness and i hope he gets to where he wants to be, because he really deserves it. i think if it were up to him, i'd still be here hanging on pining after him. i choose instead to go out on dates. and truthfully, for a few weeks now a minor crush on a guy at work has been brewing...and it's just turned into a MAJOR one. and everyone thinks he's sexy as hell AND EVERYONE ALSO THINKS HE LIKES ME TOO, which i can't believe. so i'm prepared for a REAL date very soon.

i am losing weight without even trying and it feels great. jeans that haven't fit me since high school are loose and i can't believe it. even looking at my icon is startling because my face was so much rounder. when i look in the mirror now, i'm starting to see the michelle i remember - the one who was pretty and adventurous with lots of friends and plenty of guys who found her attractive. i'm on my way to skinny me and i'm enjoying the journey!

rachel called me last week and you could have knocked me over dead. i missed that girl and we talked for almost an hour. i'm glad she's back in my life because i love all those bitches, no matter what. :)

summation? life is fucking beautiful right now.

1. WHAT TIME DO YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING?
if my alarm isn't set, usually around 10.

2. IF YOU COULD EAT LUNCH WITH ONE FAMOUS PERSON, WHO WOULD IT BE?
joe jonas.

3. GOLD OR SILVER?
silver.

4. WHAT WAS THE LAST FILM YOU SAW AT THE CINEMA?
paul blart: mall cop

5. FAVOURITE TV SHOW?
the office, followed by friends, followed by grey's anatomy

6. WHAT DO YOU HAVE FOR BREAKFAST?
i rarely eat breakfast, but when i do it up i eat scrambled eggs & orange juice.

7. WHO WOULD YOU HATE TO BE LEFT IN A ROOM WITH?
isaac hanson. good thing nikki, isaac, my rock boat boyfriend & i weren't put in that situation on the last night after i'd already drank a bottle and a half of rum. OH WAIT THAT'S RIGHT IT DID.

8. CAN YOU TOUCH YOUR NOSE WITH YOUR TONGUE?
no but i know at least one person who can!

9. WHAT INSPIRES YOU?
music, for so many reasons: the top two being the way it can just speak to your soul like nothing else, and how it transcends generations, agendas, grudges & whatever other divides separate people.

10. WHAT'S YOUR MIDDLE NAME?
lee. sometimes i spell it 'leigh' because 'lee' is the boy spelling. =\

11. BEACH, CITY, OR COUNTRY?
beach just barely wins over city, but i like the country too.

12. SUMMER OR WINTER?
summer.

13. FAVOURITE ICE CREAM?
mmm, international delight cafe makes a mean vanilla peanut butter.

14. BUTTERED, PLAIN, OR SALTED POPCORN?
buttered and salted, otherwise really what's the point?

15. FAVOURITE CAR?
i mean i'm not that into cars, but i really want a prius.
.
16. FAVOURITE SANDWICH FILLING?
peanut butter & jelly.

17. FAVOURITE TYPE OF MUSIC?
independent/unknown pop/rock. i don't know guys, what would you call this like incestual genre of music we listen to?

18. TRUE LOVE?
exists, for me, in chicago.

19. WHAT CHARACTERISTIC DO YOU DESPISE?
uncertainty.

20. FAVOURITE FLOWER?
gerber daisies, because even though they look so self-sufficient and strong they need extra support.

21. IF YOU HAD A BIG WIN IN THE LOTTERY, HOW LONG WOULD YOU WAIT TO TELL PEOPLE?
i mean like 5 seconds.

22. DO YOU WEAR PAJAMAS?
not usually but when it's cold i have to layer.

23. WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR EYES?
brown.

24. HOW MANY KEYS ON YOUR KEY RING?
like 4 billion. i don't really know why. i'm like a janitor.

25. WHERE WOULD YOU RETIRE TO?
can i have a career first please?

26. FAVOURITE DAY OF THE WEEK?
thursday. the office is on!

28. RED OR WHITE WINE?
white.

29. WHAT DID YOU DO FOR YOUR LAST BIRTHDAY?
drove to ashville, nc to see hanson play their best show ever.

30. DO YOU CARRY A DONOR CARD?
i signed the back of my license, does that count?

31. WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THE PERSON THAT SENT THIS TO YOU:
i found it on the interweb, and i love the interweb.

1. Put your music on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS!
4. Tag 10 friends who might enjoy doing the meme as well as the person you got the meme from

IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY?" YOU SAY?
change your mind - hazel

WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
need - tyrone wells

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
i will remember you - tyrone wells

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
gin & juice - zac brown band

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
free - zac brown band (OMG PERFECT)

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
champagne high - hazel

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
chicken fried - zbb

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
makin' love - zbb

WHAT IS 2+2?
falling - tyrone wells

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
fly - tyrone wells

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
isn't she lovely - zbb

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
train song - zbb

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
better days - zbb

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
SJKHSDAHJKHAFJKLHAUF E8ESDC BUERGJD
WHERE THE BOAT LEAVES FROM - ZAC BROWN BAND

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
every little thing she does - sister hazel

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
measure of a man - jack ingram (HAHAHA)

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
wondering where you are - tyrone wells

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
running through the fields - sister hazel

WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
sea breeze - tyrone wells

HOW WILL YOU DIE?
california - tyrone wells

WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?
why don't you - ingram hill

WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
all i can do - tyrone wells

WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
she's leaving - tyrone wells

WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?
this kind of love - sister hazel

WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?
more - tyrone wells

DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
dream like new york - tyrone wells (so...i guess that's a no?)

IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
happy as the sun - tyrone wells

WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
out there - sister hazel

WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
the way you shine - tyrone wells

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i think i made them public, so you shouldn't have a problem seeing them. COMMENT and if we're not friends on facebook, WHY THE HELL NOT? add me! :D