it would be really, really, really, really nice if we were on the same page because i don't think you know what all of this is doing to me.

and if we are on the same page - and i think we might be - can you please say it clearly so i can just...never let you go?

i'm glad i don't decide to update my journal based on how many people are interested in my life.

despite all the bullshit, 2009 might have been the best and most eye-opening year i've ever lived. i feel like throughout the year i was given all the tools i need to live my ideal life, but i'm still figuring out how to put them all to good use. i want to count off my concerts like everyone else, but for the first time that i can remember the concerts weren't what i was living for so i have no record of them. i started to learn how enjoy my reality in 2009. i lost forty pounds. i gained some amazing friends who i thought i would never see again and now i can't imagine living without. i strengthened some old friendships that needed attention, and i also lost some really shitty friends. all of it was perfect. all of it made me learn.

i don't really make new year's resolutions. i don't think i ever have before. this year is different because i learned how to keep them and make it work. i'm confident. the thing i most want to change about myself is how unorganized i am. my car looks like a bomb hit it and my room is no better, and it's all the time. i keep making excuses ("i moved twice this year!" "i have no time!") but i know they're all bullshit. i want all of my things to have a home. i want dj to feel comfortable in his space. when i'm getting ready to go out i don't want to feel stressed simply because i can't find the outfit i want to wear. i'm also GOING to lose the rest of the weight i want to lose this year. thirty more pounds and i would feel good. i know how to do it and i've done it before so it will be a piece of cake. i lost forty pounds when katie left by doing nothing but being happier and feeling free, and i've kept it off. that's not good enough anymore. i want help and i finally after 23 years feel like i have the right people in my life to support me through this goal.

enough is enough, this living underneath layers of negativity thing. i want to feel the world and LIVE my life instead of watching it pass before me and waiting for everything to naturally fall into place. i want to go after my dreams.

also, how could it not be the best year ever if this is the calendar i'm toting? happy 2010, y'all.
    

it's so overwhelming, how much i think about him. i've seen him twice since 12th grade and he's really the only person worth my time, effort or conversation. he is the only person i am interested in seeing, knowing, understanding, conversing with as of late.

he doesn't judge me and he always takes a joke a step further than it needs to go which makes me laugh, and the best kind of laugh too. like the kind that you don't expect to come out of you, the kind that feels like the sweetest release and makes your belly and your cheeks hurt. he pays attention to me and is interested in what i'm saying and asks me questions like he wants to know the answer, not just to be polite. he writes stories and i want to read them all. he plays me songs he wrote on the guitar (and i don't have to pretend to like them because he's really good at it). he listens to music that i've never paid attention to and he makes me hear it, really hear it like it's the first time notes have ever landed on my eardrums. he is passionate and wonderful and fantastic and he doesn't take shit from anybody.

i cannot explain it but all i want to do is explain it. all i want to do is see him just so i can find out the next thing he'll do to blow my mind. the only word that i know that even sounds sort of close to what i feel like when he's near me is bliss. i want to know what this means. i want this to be what i know it can be. i know what i want. i want it with him. i want to stop being incoherent and jumbled and knocked off my feet because i feel like a stupid child. i want to tell him but i don't want to have to say the words because they always get in the way.

every facebook status update means him. every journal entry is him. every thought in my head at all moments of all days brings me back to him. we have spent six hours of our adult life together. six hours. i feel crazy. i know it is crazy. someone please tell me i'm not crazy?

i'm 2 for 2 at misjudging my roommates. can't wait until i'm the fuck out of this place.

i told rona today that i'm moving out. she took it just like i expected. i hope eventually she realizes it's for the best, but for now, it's gonna be an uneasy 2 weeks. whatever, i paid for that to be my home until the 30th and i will treat it as such.

apparently, this is me "airing my dirty laundry."

the train is careening through the tunnel, which means we're gonna be at penn station in 0.5 minutes. brandi's here from tx, yaaaay! this is my favorite part of the trip.

life is beautiful.

"windy has wings to fly above the clouds..."

...i wish you knew YOU did, too. i wish you still existed the way i loved you. those fucking piccolos will always make me remember.

i need photoshop, but my computer doesn't have enough memory, i have no money, and i don't know where to get it illegally.

i think i want to move to the south. like texas or florida or tulsa, oklahoma or something. everyone seems happier there.

i'd be really angry too if my "perfect life" consisted of taking advantage of anyone who's ever loved me. how does that other guy's dick taste?

i want to be able to afford all of the things i want.

i am sick of moving into apartments with people who call me their friends but are, in reality, selfish cunt-faces and have nobody's interest but their own at heart.

i want more time to do things like organize my life. i can't even find an hour to keep my room clean, and i'm supposed to organize a budget?!

these restaurants are not where i want to be, but all i can hope is that they're providing me experience for the future. i want to open a live music venue on long island, probably on the water, that will host after-parties that the artists and fans can all attend after every show. think like the rock boat but year-round. no, i don't think that's too ambitious a dream.

i am thankful to have had someone in my life once who introduced me to the world of graphic and interior design. i'm also thankful that when i didn't have enough sense to dispose of her myself, the universe did it for me.

it sounds to me like i'm not currently a very happy girl. this is a surprise to me because i thought i was. i don't know what will fix me. more money, maybe. and time. and better friends. ones who don't blindside me with their short tempers, psychosis, and distorted world views. where are all the people who are like me?

i have never met anyone like this boy before. he is a scientist and his parents own a bakery. he is always laughing, always making me laugh, always welcoming, always a friend, always blowing my mind with new places to go or music or tv shows or strain of marijuana, and he's always coming up with original ways to spend his time. he offered to help with my rent for september and october immediately after i got fired from p.f. chang's.

(oh, by the way, i got fired from p.f. chang's.)

he never makes me feel like i have to be different. in fact, he does all of the things - like piling in a car and driving for retarded amounts of hours to see something you can never see again - that people call me crazy for doing. he is passionate about just living, always gives people the benefit of doubt, and he's the most relaxed person i've ever known. he always seems confident and sure - of himself, of everything - and that's a quality i don't know how to have. he intimidates me and excites me and comforts me and confuses me at the same time. he is patient and kind, and for all of these reasons - and then some more - i admire him as a friend and as a person in a way that i've never looked at anyone else. he has so many implausibly good qualities, and so i don't know what to do with myself except suppress any and all things that might want to come out of my ( stupid mouth. ) maybe i should just tell him, but i don't know how. i want to know how. i want to stop protecting myself and step outside the box. i need some answers. it would all make me so happy.

oh. i'm doing albany.

11 years ago today, i saw hanson for the first time in 4th row at jones beach theater.

i think the reason we take our hanson fandom so seriously (and probably also the reason they're out favorite band) is because THEY take their music so seriously. we appreciate the thought and planning that goes into everything they do, and if we get impatient with the time delays sometimes it's only because we love them so much. in a world where all anyone remembers is mmmbop, the best way for us to show our appreciation is to make them feel like their efforts were not for nothing. we are a rare breed. we love to have fun, we love to dance, and we appreciate the passion and commitment the artists we love give to their end creation. we choose to be as committed as they are because it's the only way we can say "do you even know how much i love you and the choices you've made throughout your career?!" without actually having to say the words. we are crazy and that is fact, but we are grateful and we are proud.

so the REAL reason i came to LJ tonight is to FLIP OUT over the FREE FRONT ROW JONAS BROTHERS TICKETS my table gave me tonight! these guys came in wearing all access passes and meet and greet bracelets and whatnot (the coliseum is like .04 minutes from chang's), so obviously i commented on it. they laughed it off because i guess they thought i was kidding but when i showed them that i decked out my notepad with all things jonas they threw me tickets!!!!!!! they were like, "get us out of here FAST so you can catch the show, and if your bosses won't let you go send them over to us and we'll take care of it." by 9:45 i was at the coliseum and sitting FUCKING MERE FEET AWAY FROM JOE JONAS AND HIS LESS HOT BUT EQUALLY IMPORTANT BROTHERS. i got in during year 3000 so i'm not sure how much i missed but it was FANTASTIC. the rain or whatever during lovebug was ridiculous. fucking HEARTS and the JB logo...made out of water?#!@ like HOW DO YOU EVEN DO THAT. anyway, i'm so fucking grateful to that table and to my bosses for getting me out early and just OMG EVERYONE. what a great night, even if thirteen year olds were staring at me the whole time. UGH i am so so so so so so so so SO HAPPY for so many reasons. I WANT ALL MY JB TICKETS TO BE FRONT ROW AND FREE FROM NOW ON!

so i stumbled on this website and as i'm reading, what's really grinding me is that there's not somewhere for fucking anti-choicers (that bitch, who does she think she is?) like me to say "HEY, i truly feel in my heart of hearts that abortion is wrong but DOUCHEBAGS, WE'RE NOT ALL SCREAMING IN YOUR FACE IN FRONT OF PLANNED PARENTHOOD, SO WHY DON'T YOU LET ME LIVE MY ANTI-CHOICE LIFE WHILE I LET YOU LIVE YOUR ANTI-LIFE LIFE?" ::eyeroll:: stop perpetuating the hostility, lady, really.

oh, also? brenda and richard brochon are my real parents. amy shannon gave birth to me. as far as she was concerned, brenda and richard brochon were my real parents, but that never stopped her from wanting to know me (or me from wanting to know her). so fuck you, lady, there's something to be said when all logic is removed from a situation and all you're moving forward with is mutual respect and love for all parties involved. (that's called FEELING. you know, HAVING EMOTION. do it. make decisions based only upon it sometimes. it's nice.) and our stupid, meaningless, oprah-like tear-filled joyous reunion changed my fucking life. my sister is my sister, my brothers are my brothers and my extended family is my extended family. and whatever, i'm going to say it - the kind of love that i feel for everyone and the kind of love they feel back for me, the kind nobody can describe but one that we've never felt before or since, that awesome feeling wouldn't exist if amy shannon had prevented me from living.

for me, choosing life was never political or religious. it was and always will be one hundred percent emotional, and no amount of not-sorry women are going to make me believe that aborting a fetus is an okay thing to do - which is also something i've said to the many women in my life who have terminated their pregnancies. i (and many like me) do not judge but do not like the idea that abortions are legally performed, so leave me with my opinion and have some respect for it. otherwise i will shit on yours like you shit on mine.

dumb, judgemental, intolerant fuckers. EVERYONE JUST COEXIST.

i'm seeing gavin degraw tomorrow night for the first time in four years. tinted windows is playing ten minutes away, and everyone's going to that instead, and i don't even care.

I'M SEEING GAVIN DEGRAW TOMORROW NIGHT FOR THE FIRST TIME IN FOUR YEARS.

i hate tinted windows and everything about them and i'm not sure how to interpret that.

i just discovered - by accident - how to embed media from other websites to livejournal. it serves me no purpose right now since i have nothing entertaining to share, but i just figured it out nonetheless. :)

MY FRIEND CALLED ME OUT ON MY WORKCRUSH YESTERDAY. he had actually said something the other day when we were working together - we were fucking around somehow and beefstick goes "yo, why you always pickin' on mah man?" obviously i tried to defend myself but when that failed i just walked away. apparently, that's when beefstick brought my suspected (apparently obvious :X) crush to light. i confirmed to beefstick last night that i did, in fact, have a massive boner for workcrush...and he proceeded to tell me like everything about him (well, the stuff that matters). he is currently WITHOUT A GIRLFRIEND, and the girlfriend was a hostess over the summer...which means that she was young. WHICH IS A GOOD THING. anyway, i'm kind of bummed that his response to beefstick's comment was "no way, she doesn't like me, she's just affectionate" BUT I GUESS ALL THAT MEANS IS I'LL HAVE TO TRY HARDER.

ps i'm kind of bummed about all this bullshit.

another double at chang's today; what a joyus occasion. work!crush will be there this morning though (which may or may not be the reason i picked up the morning shift)...the other day our juvenile flirting (which consists of, like, exiting the other person out of the computer mid-order and other such things that make each other's life miserable) progressed to include actually touching each other, which i guess is a step in the right direction!! i'm so enjoying being giggly and over-the-moon about some guy. i feel like a teenager.

i slept for SO MANY HOURS yesterday. my roomie got some awesome weed which made me high for literally the whole day and i was passed the fuck out at like 7:30. she went to bed around 9 and i think i ended up in bed around midnight when i woke up. i woke up at 9 this morning. this flu needs to gtfo of my system because dammit i wanna have FUUUUUN.

wish me luck with the boy today! ugh i need to try to take a picture of him and post it here, he's so attractive it's retarded.

i haven't been this high in a really, really long time and it feels awesome.

rona brought a new laptop home from her job!!!!! yaaaayy, goodbye ibm thinkpad from like 1997!!! (this is my new baby. innit pretty?!)

i am crushing SO FUCKING HARD GUYS it's not even funny. we worked an 8 hour shift together yesterday and fadskl;gjqerj i can't stop giggling over him. i feel like i'm in grade school.

the past few days have gone really well at work and i'm seeing more and more money everyday. everyone's just really fucking awesome and i'd have been so grateful for even a SHITTY job in this economy. loving this place (despite some bullshit of course, but it's all insignificant anyway) is such a bonus. if you're ever in westbury ny, come eat at p.f. chang's and leave me a fat tip.

it's taken me like a half hour to write this, that's how blazed i am. daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamn.


have a beautiful day, y'all.

i was creepy tonight and found out all the things i didn't know about work!crush via google. that was a first for me - i facebook because google is too complicated. like, there are pieces of puzzles to put together and trails of forum posts...thankfully his name is like the most complicated ever (well that's not true, but it's unique) and there weren't many people to search through.

blind item: have fun going back to the place where you didn't even know you were (and still are) nothing but a huge, pathetic fucking joke. you're so self-absorbed and dramatic, though, that you probably won't even realize it THIS time either.

i think i'm getting sick. :( NYQUIL FTW.

and i can't believe michael sarver stayed and ALEXIS WENT HOME. i mean REALLY. i'm neither of their biggest fans but REALLY, ALEXIS OVER MICHAEL? i know he's going home next week but UGH this means that when we go to the tour i have to suffer through the slaughtering of some of my favorite songs of all time. because that man doesn't just suck, he MUTILATES large iconic portions of american music culture for every minute he's on stage. and REALLY, alison was in the BOTTOM THREE? REALLY???? okay, america. way to HAVE EARS.

oh i love matt giraud. and i also fail to see the danny gokey hooplah. he is just so quintessentially ~*idol*~ to me (whatever that means?) and i really can't get on board. i don't dislike him, but why is he such a big deal? alison, megan and blindey (scott macintyre? is it bad that i really don't know his name?) are all up there for me too but i can't rank them yet. because i knew you wanted to know.

OH & LOL, today my boss saw that my checkbook (not like the one i use for the bank, the one i use at work to write orders in) had jb all over it and proceeded to ask me fourteen times if i was serious. then he asked me if i'd seen the south park, and when i laughed in his face for asking such a stupid question he wanted to know how accurate it was...and of course i started gushing over how perfect EVERY DETAIL was, from the kicks to the hairstyles TO THE FUCKING JOE/KEVIN BACK!SEX. he goes, "oh my god, you've been to their concert?" to which i replied "silly marc, i've been to FOUR of them. and i've met them." to which he replied, "oh, you had a meet and greet thing? did you win it?" AND THEN I SHAMELESSLY TOLD MY BOSS ABOUT HOW MANY HOURS OF MY LIFE HAVE BEEN SPENT WAITING FOR JB AT TRUMP TOWERS. his face was pretty awesome. i wish i took a picture. the only thing he could think to say after this huge fact about my life was revealed was "how old are you?" haha. i told him i was sixteen. he believed me for a minute.

steph & mikey time tomorrow night after work (in which i have to see the man i've spent the last hour and a half googling AND TRY NOT TO BE EMBARRASSED ABOUT THE FACT THAT I WAS SEARCHING THE INTERNET FOR HIS NAME UNTIL TWO THIRTY IN THE MORNING), which is exciting. i can't wait to see either of them. :) goodnight, hoes.

last night one of my good friends from high school came over. i hadn't seen her in five years and neither of us realized it until we saw each other. we had pizza at 7, came back here at 8, and two bottles of wine later (at 2:15) we called it a night. it was great - it felt like we hadn't skipped a minute. and what's funny is i kind of overlooked her as a friend in high school. like we hung out all the time, but my best friends were nikki and liana and really who likes change? i'm really glad she came over, really glad we got to talk about our high school lives and what both of us went through, together and seperately. it's been years since i've been able to do that. five years, actually. and her & mikey are coming back thursday night. the three of us in particular always kind of had something special together, but again it kind of got forgotten when we were hanging out since we were always with our larger group of friends. it's gonna be an awesome time.

i weighed myself last night. 185.5 down from 187 on thursday morning. that made me pretty happy. :)

i cashed in the change from my car today thinking there was maybe five bucks, but i came out with $11.80! today must be my lucky day because lean cuisines were on sale for $2 each, so i got 3 paninis. WHATEVER I'M GRATEFUL FOR THE LITTLE THINGS, OK?

i was airing out the apartment today because there was the fucking NICEST ocean breeze (for christ's sake i live on the ocean, like how the hell am i NOT supposed to love it here, and there are always cruise ships in the distance at night. fkjdsajkd) and dj escaped onto the balcony without my knowledge, that bastard. he was three balconies over when i got him with a mcdonald's sausage. that little piece of shit. i love him though. he's on my lap right now and he says HI DANGER, if you're reading this!

can you tell from these mundane updates on every detail of my life that i'm going nuts without my phone? grrr. whatever, i'm content with my life on the d-list marathon for the rest of my day off. i'm doing a double tomorrow and i'm PUMPED about it, i just re-read the training manual from front to back so they HAVE to beef up my section tomorrow. i need to make a lot of money tomorrow. desperately. :|