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lj still exists?

there's no reason this can't go into a personal journal, i guess. as if someone's gonna google something random, happen upon this one entry and start crazy life-changes. but here's hoping? i don't know. i'm just compelled at the moment. i'm not even making sense to myself.

i do not understand the men that the universe brings into my life. none of them are ready for me. ALL of them feel like the most amazing person ever. all of them seem to desire my company, and all of them make me so happy.

why would you introduce me to one of these men TWO WEEKS after he confirms a facebook request for a (BARF) girlfriend? (when i say "you," i mean god, or the universe, or buddha, or whatever-the-fuck, just so we're clear.) why would you then have us establish a FUCKING INTENSE connection (and oh god, it was something) if you weren't going to give him the strength to end his already (ADMITTEDLY!) flawed "relationship"? ugh, and she's a STUUUUPID little GIRL. 19, shut the fuck up. really? HER?!??#!@?$ she posts cat wigs & "my teenage angst music as revenge for the music you overload me with" on his wall and i want to vomit. after we had ~*~OuR NiGhT**~ (kill me), i was informed that he needed to "see this through as best i can" because "she came over when i was sick this weekend and took care of me, and we talked about a lot." PLEASE. oh, fucking, PLEASE. if he'd let me, i would have done it too. better. it's only a title, boy. COME ON. and i know every girl thinks she's SOOOOOOoOo much better for him than she is, but guys, seriously - I'M SOOOOOO MUCH BETTER FOR HIM THAN SHE IS. we went to fucking HIGH SCHOOL together. he was my & my friend's cat's vet tech for over a year, and he's been trying to ask me out that entire time. we have DOZENS of the same friends, and OH, I CAN GET INTO EVENTS & BARS THAT ARE 21+. oh, and i smoke. OH, AND I WILL NEVER POST A CAT WIG ON YOUR WALL, OR MUSIC THAT I KNOW YOU HATE BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE YOU SENT ME TOO MUCH OF YOUR OWN. he truly blows me away and i have never wanted to understand a person more than i want to understand him. i'm trying to keep him around since there are obviously no wedding bells in their future; i'm trying to believe that i have no remaining eggs in his basket but oh, sweet jesus, my heart is still more broken than i care to admit. clearly.

why would you then bring me someone better - someone SINGLE and better, even! - and let us have the night we've both wanted since we met a year ago or more, only to then have him back out of not only "taking it slow" but also our well-established friendship?! is this a fucking joke?! you're not ready for a relationship. FINE. i don't want to be in a relationship for someone who isn't ready for one either. but ignoring my calls after you called me EVERY day for a month, saw me every week (at least) for a year, and telling me you're NOT disappearing? we can't even be FRIENDS? i'm begging you, universe - please, oh please, COME. ON. and what the fuck pussy excuse is that, "i'm not ready"?! who the fuck is ever READY? where are all the risk-takers, and why am i continually interacting with people who can keep me on my toes if they don't WANT to keep me on my toes? when is it MY TURN?

my ex-boyfriend just went on a 6 day vacation with his new (year-long) girlfriend, to rub salt in my wounds juuuuuuuust a smidge more. it's not like i want him back or anything like that - i will always have love for the guy, and his girlfriend is legit PERFECT for him - way more perfect than we ever were for each other - and i could not be happier for him. i know how he treated me and i know how much love is in that guy's heart, and i want him to give it to someone forever. i hope it's kayla. it's just...uggggghhhh, EVERYONE IS SO HAPPY and i'm sitting here with my emotions firing at warp speed with no consistency or timing whatsoever.

this is the part of the entry where i analyze all my character flaws, i suppose. what the fuck, though. I LOVE MYSELF. no, seriously, i think i'm awesome. not in like a "hey look at me i can do no wrong" way - i can definitely improve - but one of the things #2 has said about me more than once is that he loves that i'm just myself, no matter what, and you can take it or leave it but i'm always honest. i think that's fucking awesome. and i think it's more awesome that at least one other person on earth noticed this about me. i'm pretty messy (which i hate), and i comfort myself with food more often than i'd like to publicly admit (don't we all), and i probably could shed a few (50) pounds, but damn, why do the things i want keep slipping out of my hands?

i am at a complete loss. i want to see the rainbows & unicorns, i want to believe that if it's not him it's someone better & that what i'm going to get in the future will be worth all of what i'm feeling now. usually i can, but right now i just want to hate my life a little.

seriously, just...why though? WHY?
Current Mood: crushed:o/
Current Music: matt duke - m.l.t.
14 March 2010 @ 11:26 am
i remember the time when interactions with hanson made me feel like i needed to write a four-page journal entry to capture what i was feeling. how did we get from there to "nah, let's not wait, it's too cold and i want wawa." ?!? i guess this is growing up. or something like it.

happy six-year (plus one day) HANniversary to me! ;)
12 January 2010 @ 11:56 am
it would be really, really, really, really nice if we were on the same page because i don't think you know what all of this is doing to me.

and if we are on the same page - and i think we might be - can you please say it clearly so i can just...never let you go?
06 January 2010 @ 11:13 am
i'm glad i don't decide to update my journal based on how many people are interested in my life.
01 January 2010 @ 01:49 pm
despite all the bullshit, 2009 might have been the best and most eye-opening year i've ever lived. i feel like throughout the year i was given all the tools i need to live my ideal life, but i'm still figuring out how to put them all to good use. i want to count off my concerts like everyone else, but for the first time that i can remember the concerts weren't what i was living for so i have no record of them. i started to learn how enjoy my reality in 2009. i lost forty pounds. i gained some amazing friends who i thought i would never see again and now i can't imagine living without. i strengthened some old friendships that needed attention, and i also lost some really shitty friends. all of it was perfect. all of it made me learn.

i don't really make new year's resolutions. i don't think i ever have before. this year is different because i learned how to keep them and make it work. i'm confident. the thing i most want to change about myself is how unorganized i am. my car looks like a bomb hit it and my room is no better, and it's all the time. i keep making excuses ("i moved twice this year!" "i have no time!") but i know they're all bullshit. i want all of my things to have a home. i want dj to feel comfortable in his space. when i'm getting ready to go out i don't want to feel stressed simply because i can't find the outfit i want to wear. i'm also GOING to lose the rest of the weight i want to lose this year. thirty more pounds and i would feel good. i know how to do it and i've done it before so it will be a piece of cake. i lost forty pounds when katie left by doing nothing but being happier and feeling free, and i've kept it off. that's not good enough anymore. i want help and i finally after 23 years feel like i have the right people in my life to support me through this goal.

enough is enough, this living underneath layers of negativity thing. i want to feel the world and LIVE my life instead of watching it pass before me and waiting for everything to naturally fall into place. i want to go after my dreams.

also, how could it not be the best year ever if this is the calendar i'm toting? happy 2010, y'all.
Current Mood: giddyeager
16 September 2009 @ 12:42 pm
i'm 2 for 2 at misjudging my roommates. can't wait until i'm the fuck out of this place.
15 September 2009 @ 01:50 am
i told rona today that i'm moving out. she took it just like i expected. i hope eventually she realizes it's for the best, but for now, it's gonna be an uneasy 2 weeks. whatever, i paid for that to be my home until the 30th and i will treat it as such.

apparently, this is me "airing my dirty laundry."

the train is careening through the tunnel, which means we're gonna be at penn station in 0.5 minutes. brandi's here from tx, yaaaay! this is my favorite part of the trip.

life is beautiful.
14 September 2009 @ 06:32 am
"windy has wings to fly above the clouds..."

...i wish you knew YOU did, too. i wish you still existed the way i loved you. those fucking piccolos will always make me remember.
04 September 2009 @ 10:53 am
i need photoshop, but my computer doesn't have enough memory, i have no money, and i don't know where to get it illegally.

i think i want to move to the south. like texas or florida or tulsa, oklahoma or something. everyone seems happier there.

i'd be really angry too if my "perfect life" consisted of taking advantage of anyone who's ever loved me. how does that other guy's dick taste?
04 August 2009 @ 03:21 pm
i think the reason we take our hanson fandom so seriously (and probably also the reason they're out favorite band) is because THEY take their music so seriously. we appreciate the thought and planning that goes into everything they do, and if we get impatient with the time delays sometimes it's only because we love them so much. in a world where all anyone remembers is mmmbop, the best way for us to show our appreciation is to make them feel like their efforts were not for nothing. we are a rare breed. we love to have fun, we love to dance, and we appreciate the passion and commitment the artists we love give to their end creation. we choose to be as committed as they are because it's the only way we can say "do you even know how much i love you and the choices you've made throughout your career?!" without actually having to say the words. we are crazy and that is fact, but we are grateful and we are proud.
Current Mood: highhigh